The Greatest Gift of All

Hello Everyone! After a long absence Dave Canseco is back! He's here today to share his gift to the world and what is that you ask? Well that's the gift of dance of course! That's right he's here today to share with you the dance that will be filling the clubs in 2009. Thank you Dave Canseco!

The Tucker Marolf Nickname newsletter 12/9/08 Edition

The following are a list of nicknames for Tucker Marolf conceived around or nearing 12/9/08

Fucker
Puss Boy Marolf
Mr. Goes To Disneyland All The Time Guy
The Love Colonel
Friend.

Dave Canseco is a lying sack of shit

Okay yeah so I haven't posted any new to do video's this week, but I have a good excuse I got another writing gig and currently it's kicking my ass. So in the meantime here's a music video that I'm in! Try and find me first one who figures it out gets a prize!

Site News

The Crysturbating To Do's will be returning next week!!!

The Terrorists Have Won

Well, readers if you've come around here lately you'll know that I haven't been doing the "To Do" videos lately. That's right, I'm taking some time off of them. I finally got to the point where these stopped being fun and they started to feel like a job, and if you know me at all you know that I really, really hate working. But don't worry everybody I'll be coming back someday.

In the meantime here's Uncle Reemus to cheer us all up.

Bad Blogger right here!

Yeah so no video last night and I don't really have a good reason. I was home I had time I just didn't shoot anything. Well, here's the J. Geils Band to make up for all of that. Please forgive me everyone and remember I am probably the laziest person alive.

To Do: Monday September 15th, 2008

We're looking at 4 days till "Igor." Now you may be asking yourself hey why I am I watching an Igor trailer in Dave's normal spot? Well, that's because Dave and his writing partners (The amazing Joe Dickerson and Zack Fox) actually worked as consultants on this movie! That's right the first crysturbating movie is coming out this Friday!

Sorry there won't be a normal post tonight but watch for "Igor" related posts all this week counting down to a crysturbating exclusive, let's just say Dave booked an interview with one of the film's big stars!

To Do: Friday September 12th- Sunday September 14th 2008

Oh Paris in the sumer time. Is there anywhere else you'd rather be? Well, I guess Venice when you're in love, but I don't have a video like that so stop hounding me about that you son of a bitch! Anyway, let's take a look at Dave's recent trip to Paris and look at the fun he's having! Have a good weekend everyone!

To Do: Thursday September 11th, 2008

Love, it's not easy. It's something even the smartest and bravest of us struggle with from time to time. Well, Dave is not alone but luckily he's experienced (very experienced) and with that experience comes knowledge that he can translate into advice. So let's take a time out from our hectic schedule and let's listen to Dave and hear what he has to say about love.

To Do: Wednesday September 10th, 2008

It's time for a trip! A trip to the world's fair, that is. That's right today Dave is our captain on "The Funtime Express" and luckily we all have tickets to ride!

To Do: Tuesday September 9th, 2008

What would you do if you only had 12 hours to live? Who would you call? How would you spend your last moments on this precious planet. Well, we might be faced with that quandary soon because they are firing up that Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and once that thing is going who knows what can happen? Tonight Dave offers up his plans for his last moments and I think it's a winner.

To Do: Monday September 8th 2008

Oh comedy, the most subjective of the arts. One thing is known what makes one person laugh could be another man's tragedy. Well, not today. Today Dave has a joke for us that guaranteed to tickle your funny bone. Today, is the day that we have all hoped for. Today is the beginning of our own personal American Dream.

Down but not out

So youtube is going through maintenance right now and because of that I can't post tonight's to do in a timely manner. I know this is really bumming you all out since most of you are doing whatever it is I would've told you to do. Anyway as is custom when I can't actually post one of my own videos here's my music pick for today. It's fairly old but it always makes me want to dance. Here's Clap Your Hands Say Yeah with "The Skin of my Yellow Country Teeth"

To Do: Friday September 5th- Sunday September 7th 2008

It is said that music can tame the savage beast. Well, this weekend Dave is here to fend off all the savage beasts out there with a song that will carry us through the ages. Let us listen to his siren song and enjoy this most glorious of weekends!

To Do: Thursday September 4th, 2008

The last time Sockie stopped around these parts he was kind of a jerk. Well, this time Sockie has turned a new leaf. Thank god, Dave is around for his friends. Thank god, for Dave Canseco.

To Do: Wednesday September 3rd, 2008

Once the door containing one's dreams have been broken down anything is possible, or better yet let us all quote Kevin Garnett and say together, "impossible is nothing!" Today, in Dave's first day PB (post burrito) he reaches for the highest mountain and dreams the biggest dream!

To Do: Tuesday September 2, 2008

Conquering your demons. Standing up to those who spit you in the eye. It takes character, it takes grit, it takes that old time American gumption that made this country so great. Today Dave stands up to his oppressors and bloodies their noses. Today Dave fights for everyone who has been knocked down by standing up with them.

Site News

Hey guys just real quick the to do's this week are going to be posted a little later than normal. Sorry just have some job stuff that I have to take care of and unfortunately I can't get to the to do's at my normal time. In order to make amends with you here's the best song of the summer.

To Do: Friday August 29th - Monday September 1st

For this long weekend Dave has decided to reveal a deep dark secret. One that he wished no one would ever find out. To help him cope with revealing such dark news is his good friend Greg Myers. Once you learn this dark and sordid chapter of Dave's life you may not like him as much but you must remember that he too is human, he too bleeds. So please watch this video carefully and let god have mercy on Dave Canseco, may god have mercy on us all.

To Do: Thursday August 28th, 2008

The secret to living with somebody is giving them their space. By letting each other be their own person you can thrive as a household. Today Dave's roommate Katie stops by to help us all learn a valuable lesson about the joys roommate-dom. Let's watch the magic happen!

To Do: Wednesday August 27th, 2008

It's been a while since Dave has checked in with his good pal Greg Myers! I wonder what hijinks good old Greg has gotten himself into these days. Well lucky for us he's here to let us know!

To Do: Tuesday August 26th, 2008

"Excuse me is your refrigerator running?" Oh what a classic gag. Well, Dave has one in store for us tonight and let me tell you it's a doozie. Oh Dave you little trickster one day you're going to face a jury for your crimes against boredom but right now you're just the comic fugitive of ha ha's. Have a good Tuesday everybody!

To Do: Monday August 25th, 2008

Not everyday is a gift and in the rough times we all muscle through them. Today Dave's not exactly having the best day but luckily he always has the wise words his mother has instilled in him. Well, let's all wish Dave some luck and for those of you out there have a good Monday!

To Do: Friday August 22nd- Sunday August 24th 2008

Sometime a cause comes along that we must all fight for. An injustice that is just so wrong that we must all get together and make a stand. Well, this is Dave's moment and this is his stand. He's not going to sit on his ass as the events that affect him unfold to determine the course of his life. He's going to take a stand. He's going to defend it. Right or wrong, He's going to defend it.

To Do: Thursday August 21st, 2008

Sometimes the best way to get to know somebody is not but what they say but by looking at what they own. It's true a person's possessions do tend to define the person. Well, today Dave Canseco takes us on a tour of the things he holds most dear. It's quite a pleasant trip and I know you all will enjoy the ride.

To Do: Wednesday August 20th, 2008

Ah Wednesday, the dreaded hump day. What to do? What to do? The week is half over or has it half begun? Well, in tonight's installment of Crysturbating to do's Dave Canseco tackles these topics and searches for the true answer.

To Do: Tuesday August 19th, 2008

In order to be a true adult one must be able to confront their fears. For some people that's organized labor, for others it's the fear of heights, for Dave Canseco it's a bee sting. Today Dave confronts his fear, and today Dave is a real man.

To Do: Monday August 18th, 2008

A wise man once said,"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." Well, as Dave enters month two of his life as the crysturbating to do expert he's come to some new beginnings. So let's see what he's got in store for us. I hope it's a real treat.

Bummer UPDATE: I was futzing with the youtube account and accidently deleted this original video, anyway here's the intro without my intro about being too lame and depressing. So for those of you who come back and watch the videos a day later I'm sorry.

To Do: Friday August 15th- Sunday August 17th 2008

It's party time! That's right Dave's officially been our resident To Do guru for a month now! So let's put on your party pants and don your Sunday bests and join Dave in the festivities!

To Do: Thursday August 14th, 2008

Giving back: We all do it sometimes. Whether it is just to keep us humble or just to remember that working together is the only way to keep this world turning. Well, today Dave is giving something back to us all. So let's sit back and enjoy this little treat from the Canseco compound.

To Do: Wednesday August 13th, 2008

Sometimes we all find ourselves in a sticky situation. It's the way we get out of them that shows our true character. With what Dave has shown us today it's safe to say that he is a man that is pure of heart. I couldn't ask for more from the person who tells me what to do over the internet. Three Cheers for Canseco!

I'm Sorry

Due to some horrible horrible internet issues we weren't able to post last night's To Do video. Fear not however it was shot and it will be posted shortly.

To Do: Tuesday August 12th, 2008

The quest to be original: In this day and age that's one of the most difficult things out to do. With a world population over 6 billion people it's hard to make your mark in this world. Well, Dave Canseco is striving to do just that. With the help of his new friend Micki I think it might just happen.

Salutations

What's a gay horse eat?

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Hi everybody, it's Associate Fellow of the Fun Bureau, Nacho Friendly here. I hope you're all enjoying the Olympics and waffles the world's offering you these days. I highly recommend them both. If you live in the Hollywood area, and have a hankerin' for Olympics, you gotta go with Big Wangs where they offer a cornucopia of flat-screens for your eye hunger. After you wear yourself out cheering on the United States of Awesome, you're gonna wanna carb up. Saunter, amble or mosey over to Kitchen 24, whose literally open all day and all night.

All shilling aside, this is a great time to be in LA. It's right before the Santa Ana's come in and make the weather oppressive. Football's about to start at the high school, college, and professional level. The 2008 models need to make room for the 2009s, despite the fact that it's not even autumn. There's probably going to be some ridiculously bad movies coming over the next month, so check those out.

Lemme lay some perspective on ya: I just drove cross-country last week, starting with my feet in the water of the Atlantic. Y'know what it's like out there? It's fucking hot. But not only is it hot, it's fucking humid. The people are really friendly tho. I think the world would like Americans more if they could only talk with toothless third shifters at Shell stations along Interstate 40. But only if they're forbidden of talking about anything of consequence. But y'know, despite how awesome people are throughout America, you never feel truly loved until some giant SUV tries to cross the double line from the HOV lane on the 210 in Pasadena. I guess what I'm saying is, it's good to be back. We've still got a few more weeks of summer and I trust you all will heed my advice and show LA some love.

To Do: Monday August 11th, 2008

Hop on the lollipop railroad everyone because Dave's taking us on a trip to the imagination station! That's right along with his little friend "Sockie" Dave is here to tell us what's going on tonight. Remember when you use your imagination anything is possible!

To Do: Friday August 8th - Sunday August 10th 2008

Perseverance. Sticking something out till the end. These are all qualities we look for when things get tough. Well, things just got tough for Dave and he's sticking with it! Good for you Dave!

Have a good weekend everybody.

To Do: Thursday August 7th, 2008

The Big Bopper once said, "there ain't no cure for the summertime blues." Later he died in a plane crash with Richie Valens and Buddy Holly. Luckily, Dave Canseco does not believe in that sentiment. Today he teaches us that cure and today will be the greatest day of our lives.

To Do: Wednesday August 6th, 2008

It's a family affair yet again for our resident to-do'er. This time Dave's brother Zack joins in on the fun to help guide you and your night out tonight. I think it's going to be a real hoot!

To Do: Tuesday August 5th, 2008

Dave Canseco
Dave as it ever was
{Nonesuch Records}
Rating: 10.0

Discovering the new summer song. We all search for it. We all yearn to believe that there is one anthem every year that can carry us over the long summer days and short summer nights. Today Dave Canseco has found that tune. Today we are ready to begin the summer. Today we are truly free!

To Do: Monday August 4th, 2008

Kicking back with an ice cold beer and relaxing. That's every man's dream when he comes home from a nice long day at work. Well, in today's installment of crysturbating to do's Dave Canseco does exactly that and he's inviting us all to do the same. Cheers Dave! And Cheers to all of you out there.

To Do: Friday August 1st - August 3rd 2008

New Year's resolutions. They're usually given up by February 1st. But not for Dave. He's a real go-getter. Someone who never says die. It's times like these that we need more Dave Canseco's out there.

To Do: Thursday July 31, 2008

A wise man once said that 50% of art is experimentation. If that's the case then Dave Canseco is the greatest artist the world has ever known. The level he has taken the to do video rivals the work of great artists such as Rembramdt, Van Gough, and Andy Warhol. Bravo Dave! Bravo!

To Do: Wednesday July 30th, 2008

The truth is out there, it's just a matter of how far we're willing to look for it. Sometimes it's in a deep and buried place that no one dares to search. Well, Dave Canseco isn't afraid and one day he will find what we're all looking for. One day I dream to be half the man he is. One day.

To Do: Tuesday July 29th, 2008

"Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the other is gold" No truer words have ever been spoken. Well in today's installment one of Dave's "gold" friends, Greg Myers, stops by to join the fun. I wonder what these kooky kids will think up.

To Do: Monday July 28th, 2008

Getting in shape. In this day of video games and sausages wrapped in pancakes on a stick it's getting tougher than ever. Well, our precocious little scamp/late night guide Dave Canseco is going to give it a go. Godspeed Dave!

Welcome: Mr. Feelings!

Hello friends! Just announcing some site news starting next week former "Incredible Mr. Limpet" and "Will Leitch Ruined My Birthday" genius, Mr. Feelings, will be contributing a column once a week to this little blog. You'll enjoy it I promise.

In the meantime please enjoy this Futureheads video.

To Do: Friday July 25th - Sunday July 27th 2008

Raising funds these days can be tough. Fortunately Dave Canseco is here to show you a sure fire way to raise some quick cash.

To Do: Thursday July 24th, 2008

When things look their darkest you can always look to a parent to give you a helping hand. Dave Canseco's been going through some tough times lately but fortunately his mom is there to make him feel all better. Good luck Dave and to everyone else have fun tonight.

To Do: Wednesday July 23rd, 2008

Love is in the air for our resident late night guide, so let's sit back and watch as he prepares for a night out on the town with a lady at his side.

To Do: Tuesday July 22, 2008

With the recent news that Ebert and Roeper are hanging it up, Dave Canseco is standing up where other's don't dare to bring intelligent movie reviews to the masses. Tonight's installment: Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight." I suggest not seeing this movie until you see the definitive Canseco review.

To Do: Monday July 21st, 2008

Challenges. We all have them in our life. For Charlie Brown it was kicking that damn football, The Colts couldn't beat the Patriots, and Dave Canseco can't finish a burrito. But dammit we all go out there we try and we keep fighting on, and if that's not the crysturbating spirit I don't know what is.

Terrible News Everyone

Unfortunately we won't be running a to do video tonight because Dave Canseco is out on assignment elsewhere, but fear not crysturbators we'll be back next week with more videos and actual posts from contributors Nacho Friendly and 10lb Moustache. Until then everyone have a good weekend and enjoy this little music video from the replacements.

To Do: Thursday July 17, 2008

Do you believe in magic? Because Dave Canseco does. The magic in a young girls heart as well as a magical night out on the town in Los Angeles. So prepare yourselves as Dave is about to blow your mind!

To Do: Wednesday July 16th, 2008

Once in a great while a prophet comes along to lead you to the promised land. The Jews had Moses, Christian's have Jesus, and now LA has Dave Canseco. Please welcome him to the crysturbating family.

What is Crysturbating?

cry·stur·ba·ting

Function: verb

: the act of crying whilst masturbating.


So why name a blog this? The answer is simple really: we believe that no matter how bad things get we won't let anything ruin our good time. Basically we're the people who dance at shows, we're the people who sing bad karaoke, we're the people who keep the party going. Oh and we're also most definitely NOT like this

We've noticed that although there are many blogs about living in the city of Los Angeles most of them are just plain obnoxious. We're here to change all that. Hopefully you'll enjoy the ride.